And the rest is silence

In the aftermath of my recent audition, I find the silence in my head this evening to be absolutely refreshing. I'm not rehashing my audition and I'm not preparing for a call back, as I know it will not come. I have learned much from this process and today is good chance to reflect on what exactly I got out of all of this nonsense.

(So pardon me as I ruminate.)

I decided to do this audition about a month ago when a certain person in my life laughed at the sheer possibility of my taking on something so bold. (And no, that person wasn't my husband.) If I didn't still hold such resentment toward this person, I might actually consider thanking him for his rudeness.

After taking such a leap and making the appointment, there were countless opportunities for me to cancel. All I had to do was send an email - so sorry, but I won't be auditioning . . . .thanks anyway - or something along those lines. I'm well practiced at chickening out, so I'm sure I'd have come up with something. But I didn't chicken out this time; I didn't quit.

Even when I knew the choreographer had given up on me, I didn't quit. Even when they told us we'd have to cut our songs down to 12 to 16 bars instead of the 32 I'd prepared, I didn't quit. I survived . . . persevered even . . . maybe.

When I enterred the vocal room and the accompanist actually thanked me for setting up the music the way I did - I felt like I belonged there. And in my mind, I said a silent thank you to my choir mistress for the advice she'd given me. She hadn't held back when giving me notes on how to do this or that and I put each piece of advice to use. I can say I have no regrets about my audition, other than I maybe tried too hard, but who can fault me for that?

It was funny how'd I'd agonized about what I was going to wear for the dance audition - how I'd bought a pair of shoes especially for that and never wore them. (I'll probably take them back to DSW tomorrow - maybe.) When it came down to the dance audition, I never had the chance to change anything but my shoes. I'd been one of the last in my group to do the vocal audition, so I just threw on my tennis shoes and danced in the nice outfit I'd picked out so I'd look professional for the singing part.  By the time I was finished, my face was beautifully flushed, my hair still looked great, and no one could tell I was drenched with sweat underneath it all. I was completely buzzing when I walked out of that audition - not because I thought I'd nailed it, but because I knew that I'd survived with my head up and a cheerleader smile on my face.

I had a great deal of help along the way. If not for the advice I'd gotten from Shawnie and Kim on how to perform and appear professional; if not the for the tiny tidbits I stole from Patrick and Procco and even Huff; if not for the people I met and instantly liked at this audition; if not for the support (that I hadn't even realized I'd needed) from my FB friends and family - I don't think I could've gotten through this.

But I did. I did get through this.

And today everything went back to what it was before. Jenny had a doctor's appointment, so we ate lunch early, napped early and got to the appointment late because I had no gas in my car. And this evening, I'll probably curl up with a book for a few moments before going to bed.

And ever so slowly, I'll go back to the way things were before I decided to fill my every waking moment preparing for a 2 minute vocal audition and a 30 minute dance debaucle. And somewhere after Friday, I'll get an email telling me what I already know - that I was not chosen to play the lead role in this musical. Oh well  - I'll decide - that's really what I wanted anyway.

I've gained so much from this experience though - a rediscovery of someone I used to be inside and that alone was worth it. I'm truly not disappointed in myself. Really.

And the rest is silence . . . .

Ferris Bueller

If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

This audition process has been the strangest and most exciting process so far. And the learning process alongside of it all has just amazed me. I have some really great people around me from whom I have learned so much.

"Let me explain . . . No it's too much . . . let me sum up . . . " (Princess Bride)

A week ago, I had two songs picked out and practiced for this audition on the 17th: Stay With Me and I Don't Know How to Love Him. I had been leaning heavily on the piece from Into the Woods, because I love the musical and thought I could do a really good job with it. So I recorded the piece with my little camera and then decided - what the hell - I'll record the other one as well. I refused to listen to them at first. I was so afraid I would hate them both and chicken out completely.

So I turned to my husband and asked him (since I'd sung them at the top of my lungs - jk) which one he preferred. He liked the one from JCS the best - said it sounded just like the the one on the album and that I should go with it. Plus, he doesn't share my LOVE for ItheW. Go figure.

So I listened to the recordings of both songs and of course, Tim was right. At this point, however, I wasn't convinced. So I took both songs to my choir mistress (I love calling her that) and asked her opinion - mostly so I could get the pieces marked correctly for the accompanist at the audition, but also to see if she'd help me practice with a live instrument. Afterwards, she also said that the JCS piece sounded better and showed off my voice more. I hate when Tim's right - most of the time.

Okay, so I was convinced to change the song. As long as I don't screw up the words, I should be fine. The tone of it sounds good. My choir mistress said I just needed to mind my country twang when I sing it. Mind my country twang? That's all?! I had to laugh. I think I can do that.

So then came the resume and the headshot. The resume wasn't as lacking as I thought it would be. One thing though made me laugh - under "special skills" - I have none. That was a bit of a disappointment until I realized that as teachers we has to dabble in a little of everything, leaving us little time to specialize in anything. So I was tempted to list my special skills as: being a good teacher and a mom. I didn't think that would go over so professionally. oh well...

The headshots were possibly the deal breaker here and almost frightened me away from the whole thing. As much as I love the spotlight, I hate how I look in it. The idea of having a photographer focus completely on me was just uncomfortable at best. I suppose this is why God sent me such great family. My little photographer made it fun and laughed with me instead of staring at me and gave me so much control and say over what and when and how, that I felt almost comfortable with the attention. And the photos she took are amazing. Here's the one I'm going with for the audition - mostly because it's the one that's most how I want to be seen - slightly playful with a mischievous gleam in my eye.

So this week - as I'm trying to stay healthy and un-nervous, I'm going to tweak everything and hope for the best. I guess I should take some time to slow down a little this week, take some time to look around. Who knows what I might miss if I don't?