Okay, so here goes nothing...

Infertility: (noun)
A medical condition which diminishes self-esteem, your social life, as well as checking and savings accounts. Causes sudden urges to pee on sticks, cry, scream, and an inexplicable fear of pregnancy announcements. Treated by a medical specialist, who you pay to get you pregnant - this does not always work. Affects 1 in 10 couples.

And I might add, does not go away after one successful pregnancy.

Infertility is the gag, the duct tape, the silent shame that is borne by too many women and men. No one talks about it because the idea of not being able to do what teenage mothers do every other day is just outright wrong . . . . and embarassing.

And the worst of it is that it shouldn't be.

Jenny is a product of IVF because I couldn't produce eggs on my own. I have a condition called PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome that keeps my insulin resistance in full swing (this makes my diabetes harder to manage), pushes my weight up, and makes me prone to precancer cells in my uterus.

I have never talked about this to anyone who wasn't already going through this themselves. And I suppose I'm doing it now because I found someone else who was hiding it and not talking about it either. And I realized the sadness and the shame of it all is too difficult for one person to bear alone. And perhaps if we all started talking about it, then maybe we could stop hiding.

It is selfish of me to say this, but I love my daughter more than anyone else could possibly love their child. We spent ten very long years waiting for the opportunity to hear the words, "Mom" and "Dad" and while that in and of itself is significant, she is more precious to us because of everything we went through to get her.

Along the journey, people used to say to us "you'll understand when you have children of your own". I find it funny now to say something similar to those who cannot fathom the intense and often conflicting, irrational emotions that are connected to infertility. You would only understand if you'd been through what we'd been through.

So I guess this is my comeback tour - my "coming out" again. Since I cannot get pregnant the natural way, we are again going through the process of IVF and hope to be pregnant within the next several months. Unlike the last time, when I kept my journal to myself, kept the hardships and the pain, the laughter and the inside jokes to myself, I'm opening it up in this blog. I can only hope that my courage holds out and that I'll have more good things to share than bad this time. And in a year, that I'll be holding my daughter or son, knowing that the journey, though not as long and arduous as it was the last time will be marked with reverence and endurance.

And for those of you who follow this to hear about Jenny, don't worry. That child is still doing miraculous things everyday and I'll still be writing about her long after her silbing(s) is/are born.