Warning: TMI - Old Chapter: My friend the chilly speculum

During an especially cheeky time of my life, I wrote this chapter, dedicated to my least favorite part of being an infertility patient. I warn you, it's a bit brash and probably a tad bit vulgar in places, but I think it's funny, nonetheless.

My mother would get a kick of this if she read it.

Chapter Eight:

My Friend, the chilly Speculum

            The Speculum is the all-time, number-one, most awkward apparatus that a woman is ever subjected to. If there was ever an award for “Medical Devices the Makes You Grunt” I honestly believe that the Speculum would take first place. (At least, that is until my first rectal exam, I’m sure.) For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, or for those interested, highly involved husbands who have respected their wives’ privacy by not peeking during an exam, I feel it necessary to explain this medical marvel. To begin, a speculum is used to open the vaginal area wider than any woman has ever been opened before. At this point, gentlemen, don’t flatter yourself by thinking that a Speculum isn’t uncomfortable for your wife, simply because they should be used to you by now. I will be honest though, intercourse does help with the stretch issue. However, there is a cleanliness issue with intercourse the night before a visit to the OB/Gyn, but that is a story for another book.

Now we move on the appearance of the Speculum and the beginning of my ranting about this device and its use. Firstly, a Speculum looks like one of those garage sale items no one remembers what to do with. It is shaped (so they lovingly tell me) like a duck’s head, supposedly the most comfortable shape to shove up a woman’s birthing canal. I swear someone screwed up here, because that thing is not, I repeat not, nearly as comfortable as the wide assortment of other items that have been created for that particular opening. I’m not entirely clear who invented this device – as men would’ve known better and cast this device in their own image, while a woman would’ve understood how very tender that area of her body actually is. So for now, we will blame this on the monkeys.

While lying on the examining table, with my feet in stirrups, I feel the OB/Gyn ever so tenderly push this metal duck’s head (or plastic if you’re lucky) into my “area” and proceed to crank it open. His only words of encouragement or consolation, while he’s doing this: “you might feel some slight pressure, so just relax.” Yeah, right! I’m going to relax when you’re sticking a duck’s head up my canal and opening it wide enough to berth a small yacht! I don’t think so. Thus, my only response is a grunt.

            While this particular discomfort sets in, let me expound on my second award for this particular piece of engineering genius. The Speculum is, quite possibly, the coldest medical instrument I have ever felt. I don’t know who decided the material these things would be made of but it conducts cold like lightning down a metal rod. I suppose that the cold is supposed to numb your nether regions so that you don’t feel the “slight pressure” but instead of helping me relax, it just tenses me up more. Suddenly I go from being concerned about this “slight pressure” that’s coming from the duck head to “OH MY GOD, that’s cold!”

The shock of my first encounter with my friend, the chilly Speculum, left me with a feeling of pain and guilt. First, I felt pain that I hadn’t taken any Advil or Prozac or Morphine before meeting this invasive friend. The guilt I felt because I know that the Speculum, despite its status as the most unwanted instrument I’ve met so far, is only doing its job. Therefore, I grit my teeth and grunt through the pain each time the doctors whip that sucker out, while I try to understand that though I despise this “friend” of mine, he is indeed only trying to help the nice doctors figure out what is wrong with me.

Still, I have learned many a lesson from my friend, the chilly Speculum. I have learned to take Advil before every doctor’s appointment, no matter who I’m seeing. You never know when they might pull out my dear, chilly friend just so they can take a look under the hood. I have learned to ask the doctor to warm the Speculum up and though this helps with the initial shock of the cold, it still does not help me to relax. Most of all, however, I take with me a lesson learned and applicable to everyone everywhere. I have learned to double check any recommendations I may make about things that will affect the female gender, as a whole. Though it is too late to correct the mistake that led to the Speculum being shaped as a duck, I will never forget the importance of checking my work before turning it in; that and never letting anyone monkey around with my nether regions.

Ladies, may you always find your Speculums as comfortably seated in your nether regions as a duck’s head possibly can be. May there always be a doctor willing to warm your Speculum before shoving it into your birthing canal. Lastly, may you never have reason to be checked more than once a year.